Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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