Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Randomize
