This is not my ceiling
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
