i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
