There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
