dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I met the friendliest cop last night
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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