Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
