Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
This is the high leading the old right now
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The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
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My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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