Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
