my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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