Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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