I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
