I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
We need to get me chipped asap
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
