Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
