my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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