Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
