...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
