I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
