I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
