I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
