I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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