she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
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I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
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My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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