how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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