So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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