he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
