seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
tequila makes me forget i have legs
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
