you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
