I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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