So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
