my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Drunk is a universal language darling
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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