You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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