I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
