Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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