Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
