Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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