She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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