I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Randomize
