My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
