i think my mom watched the whole time
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
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tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
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Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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