You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
