her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
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i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
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I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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