I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
