My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
