in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
why does every cop we meet know your name?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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