so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
All I want is dick and wine.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
