I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
