on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
