porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
