All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
