I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Come on in and take your pants off
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