i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
