Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Dick very happy bro
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
