i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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