I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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