I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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