The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Dicks are not precious.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
