Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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