Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
