when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
