I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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