those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
