i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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