Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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