I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
